Anglo-Saxophones

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Bum-Ba-Bummmm! It's Vaticanews!

Greetings,

As promised, here's a weekend edition of Vaticanews:

Vaticanews 06/27/09

BULLETINS:
Vatican Denies that Benedict Made a Reasonable Decision
Last week, the Vatican inexplicably issued a statement condemning a claim made by Rev. Peter Gumpel which was neither negative nor untrue. Gumpel believes that Pope Benedict is delaying the beatification of Pope Pius XII to preserve relationships with the world's Jewish population. Pius was pontiff during the Holocaust, you see, and if becoming a saint wasn't difficult enough, being accused of not doing enough to stop Hitler is bound to further complicate things. So it seems reasonable that Benedict would take his time with this one. In fact, at a conference last October, Benedict said he would give "serious consideration" to freezing the sainthood process until Pius' archives could be opened and fully examined (which will take years). But just because the Pope says it doesn't mean the Vatican has to agree.
(source= The Washington Post)

Thunderstorms: No Match For Jesus or Modern Air Travel
Last Sunday, Pope Benedict XVI was all set to take a helicopter (holycopter?) to the burial site of St. Padre Pio, when a sudden thunderstorm made the trip impossible. But the Pope wasn't about to be bested by some random act of God, so he took a plane instead. Once he arrived, Benedict gave a speech which included the Gospel story of Jesus calming a storm to make a journey of his own. Presumably Jesus would've just gotten on a plane, too, if he hadn't already been out at sea when the bad weather began. The real point of Benedict's trip was to honor St. Padre Pio, but we didn't have anything to say about that, so we're focussing on the storm.
(source= Catholic News Service)

HEADLINES:
Vatican Daily Paper Pulls a Serious WTF
Michael Jackson's death on Thursday has been claiming countless headlines, as is to be expected. But who could've imagine that L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican's official daily newspaper, would have something to say about it? Not only that, but what they had to say is actually quite bizarre.
Let's start with this quote: "But will he really be dead? It wouldn't be surprising if, in a few years, he was spotted in a gas station in Memphis, perhaps with his former father-in-law, Elvis Presley." Yes, L'Osservatore Romano, it most certainly would be surprising, it just wouldn't be more surprising than that sentence. And it doesn't stop there. The article also discussed when Jackson "was still black", as well as his racial "crossover" saying, "maybe [he] didn't simply want to become white, but to transcend boundaries, even artistic ones, imposed by ethnic identities." Nevermind that Jackson always attributed his change in complexion to a skin condition, L'Osservatore Romano calls 'em like they sees 'em.
But the biggest question here is: why did this article get written at all? There's no article on Ed McMahon or Farrah Fawcett. What particular interest does the Catholic world have with Michael Jackson's death? Perhaps it's solidarity amongst alleged pedophiles. Alleged. Pedophiles.
(sources= Inquirer.net & Reuters)

New Space Pope

What it is?

It's been a long time since we've heard from Space Pope, but luckily she's back and just as hard-hitting as ever. Check her new post here.

And come back this weekend for a new Vaticanews, mini-strip, and who knows what else?

Much love,
Y&W P

Va-Va-Va-Vaticanews

Friends! Enemies! Strangers! Listen up close!

Here's a new Vaticanews to satisfy your craving:

Vaticanews 06/18/09

BULLETINS:
Villanova's Virtual Vatican Visit
It doesn't matter who you are, using the Internet is easier than traveling to Italy. Which is why Villanova University is using both its technological know-how and its long-standing relationship with the Catholic church to cut out the middle man with virtual tours of the Vatican's holiest hot spots. Not only that, but the tours allow users to zoom in on things they couldn't see with the naked eye, which means that going to the Vatican in real life may soon be a disappointing experience when held up against the virtual version. Much like how the Internet has affected sex, shopping, and academic research.
(source= The Philadelphia Inquirer)


How Chris West Makes Catholicism Kinky
Chris West has no official authority in the Catholic world but that doesn't stop him from telling couples to pray over each other's genitalia, urging Catholics to rediscover the Virgin Mary's "abundant breasts," and condoning anal sex as long as it precedes traditional intercourse. West is the author of Good News about Sex and Marriage, a book which attempts to combat the shame and fear he thinks many Catholics feel about their sexual desires. Or maybe all it does it attempt to be provocative and bizarre enough to give West his fifteen minutes. Like when he blesses women's ovaries at seminars. Or the "very profound historical connections" he sees between John Paul II and Hugh Hefner. Or the rest of his career.
(source= Slate)

HEADLINES:
Benedict Starts "Year of the Priest" Celebrations with Angry Letter
Pope Benedict XVI has declared that June 2009-June 2010 will be the Year of the Priest. China had already declared that 2009 was the Year of the Ox, but lucky for Benedict, these are not mutually exclusive.
What does it mean to have a Year of the Priest? For one, St. John Vianney is finally getting promoted from patron saint of parish priests to patron saint of priests worldwide. And next June, St. Peter's Square is set to host the World Meeting of Priests, which ought to be the party of the century. Problem is, Benedict's cracking down on moral corruption. Pope Buzzkill XVI.
Benedict published a letter today asking for "frank and complete acknowledgement" of the Church's mistakes. The pontiff never directly referenced any one of a myriad of priest-related scandals in recent years: child abuse, controversial abortions, denying the Holocaust. Instead, he frankly and completely acknowledged that there have been "situations which can never be sufficiently deplored." He is of course, right about these situations, and right to try and stop them, but you must admit that forcing priests to man up to their mistakes is hardly the way to kick off the Year of the Priest festivities. Not even so much as a pizza party at the roller rink? Tough love, Benedict. Tough love.
(sources= Catholic News Service & Associated Press)

"Washing Their Fleet"

Vaticanews Returns

Welcome, blog fans!

Well, we're finally settling down here in Austin, and adjusting to the heat. It's been a long while since we checked in on current papal events, however, so here's a brand new Vaticanews for ya:

Vaticanews 06/11/09

BULLETINS:
Hokey Religions and Ancient Weapons Still no Match for a Good Blaster by Your Side
Close your eyes and imagine George Lucas. Then open your eyes to read this, and close them again to re-imagine George Lucas...as an archbishop! Looks awesome, doesn't it? Well, you're wrong, because we weren't talking about the beloved beard behind Star Wars, we meant sixty-year-old clergyman George Lucas, the newly-appointed archbishop of Omaha, NE. Same name, different legacy. Now close your eyes and imagine if it actually was George Lucas the director, and what a cathedral full of alien puppets might look like.
Special thanks to God, and Industrial Lights & Magic, for making this post possible.
(source= Vatican Radio)

Vatican Confesses its Displeasure with People's Displeasure with Confession
In an interview last week, Archbishop Mauro Piacenza lamented the fact that fewer and fewer Catholics are coming to confession. At first this seems like good news, because a drop in confessions might come from a drop in sinning. However, the most recent numbers on worldwide sin don't support this theory. Piacenza blames it on people confusing confession with "the couch of a psychologist or a psychiatrist," but this seems like an easy distinction for people to make. Priests never prescribe Prozac, for example, and therapists rarely wear collars. It's possible people are drawn to the comfort of a couch over cramped wooden confessionals, but that could be overcome with a few knee pillows. So now one question remains: is there room in the Vatican's budget for knee pillows? More on that as the story develops.
(source= Associated Press)

HEADLINES:
Even the Pope Confused by God's Choices
If there's one thing God is known for, it's His mysterious ways. Classic examples include the platypus, Carrot Top, why people have to die, and the box office success of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. But in a recent discussion with a group of 7,000 children, Pope Benedict XVI expressed his confusion over a smaller, more personal matter. He wondered why, out of all the people in the world, God hired him for the position of Pope.
Benedict's bafflement comes not from a lack of desire to be pontiff, but because he finds it surprising that he was even on God's radar at all. Growing up in a tiny German village, Benedict never dreamed he could be Pope. He and his childhood friends saw the Pope at the time, Pope Pius XI, as being "unreachable, almost of another world." Like an alien lord whose futuristic technologies they would never have access to.
Almost eighty years later, Benedict finds himself piloting the mothership. While he is, of course, honored, he says even today it's hard for him to understand why he was chosen. God has yet to release a statement explaining the decision, but then again, God hardly ever publishes anything official. If there's another thing He's known for, it's keeping His mysterious ways mysterious.
(source= Catholic News Service)

"Bath Robe"

Gizzizah everybody,

There's a mini-strip below that we would have liked to have put up sunday, but as we speak some of us are in the process of moving from Boston, MA, to Austin, TX. We are only allowed to move to places that rhyme. Which would stink if we live in Orange City, FL. Hopefully once we settle down in Austin, there will be fewer delays. Look for another full color strip next Sunday!

The Splog-Vaticanews Connection

Ever vigilant, Space Pope has updated her blog again. And as per tradition, here's a Vaticanews to accompany it:

Vaticanews 05/28/09

BULLETINS:
The Feud Thickens
Inexplicably, L'Osservatore Romano took time off from its religious reportage today to include an article praising Barcelona's soccer team. Entitled Football, Finally the piece referred to the team's performance against Manchester United as a "lesson in style." A prime example of fair, evenhanded journalistic favoritism. Like a soccer player who uses his hands, L'Osservatore Romano broke a basic newspaper rule with their bias. And like so many aggravated soccer referees, we at Vaticanews must once again call foul on the Vatican's semi-official paper. It is quickly becoming the Regis Philbin to our Dave Letterman, the Milli Vanilli to our Arsenio Hall.
(source= USA Today)

The Economy Loves all its Children Equally
If we are to believe the hype, most priests are already dangerously old. But the hype also tells us that the world's economy is less than ideal right now, and this affects even the Vatican, which reported a $14-million deficit in 2007. So, to keep from paying benefits just a smidge longer, the church is raising the retirement age by two years for officials below the rank of bishop. Maybe what they should do is add some danger to the job: fresh crusades, deep=space mission trips, taller bell towers. Then fewer priests would survive until retirement. Works for the C.I.A.
(source=beliefnet)

HEADLINES:
The Counting of Monte Cassinos (There have been five)
Some places are just cursed: first it's a nail salon, then it's a dry cleaner, then a Thai restaurant, then a fortuneteller/whorehouse. No business lasts more than a few weeks, but the ominous building remains, silently waiting to devour its next victim. The Abbey of Monte Cassino has the opposite problem. It's been a Catholic monastery for nearly 1500 years, but the structure itself has been completely demolished four times.
Pope Benedict XVI visited the abbey on Sunday for the 65th anniversary of its most recent rebuilding, after the U.S. military bombed it in 1944 based on some faulty intelligence. It is significant place for Benedict, because it was founded by his namesake, Saint Benedict of Nursia, famous for writing the Rule of Saint Benedict and forming the Benedictine Order. Clearly, a man who didn't mind things being named after him.
And in keeping with this things-named-after-men tradition, the Mayor of Cassino announced that, in honor the visit, the town's Miranda Square would be renamed Pope Benedict XVI Square. Kind of like when Aunt Miranda had those surgeries with Dr. Cassino and became Uncle Ben.
(source=Communio)

"Burrito Machine"

The Dyanmic Duo: Space Pope & Vaticanews

Hail!

So we're fully operational again, and it feels great. And to help us pack the biggest punch we can as we return, Space Pope updated her blog again, and there's a fresh dose of Vaticanews below.

Also, a quick thanks to Warren Ellis, who picked us as a favorite of his from Webcomics Week on his site. We're totally honored.

Sleet,
You & What Producitons

Vaticanews 05/20/09

BULLETINS:
Bruni says "Peace, Bitches!" to the Catholic Church
French First Lady Carla Bruni "casued uproar" when she said she had decided to bail on Catholicism because of Pope Benedict's position on condom distribution in Africa."It is not the job of a First Lady, especially one who was baptized Catholic, to attack the Pope," said a Notre Dame official. It is, apparently, the job of the Belgian Parliament, which voted 95-18 to publicly and officially denounce Pope Benedict's comments last month (when they were news). The reaction then: shock, but respect. Evidently only entire nations are on the Pope's political tier. But hey, bravo to Carla Bruni for lone-gunning it. Can former supermodels become real-life superheroes? They can't be blamed for trying.
(source= Fox News)

Ok, NOW I'm Getting an iPhone!
Everyone's excited for World Communications Day this Sunday, but it just gets better and better. Turns out the Vatican is launching a Facebook and an iPhone application in conjunction with the holiday as a part of their new website www.pope2you.net. "The Pope Meets You on Facebook" will allow users to send and receive virtual postcards of the Pope at last. And for the iPhone, radio and video reports on the Pope available in eight different languages. That's how many languages a language spider has. All of this will connect to the YouTube channel the Vatican already has, which is all very neat and either raises feelings of I can't wait to see what's next or When will it stop? depending on who you are.
(source= The Catholic Spirit)

HEADLINES:
Vaticanews Simultaneously Praises and Criticizes Vatican Newspaper for Doing the Same to Obama (Below)
In a stroke of dazzling genius, Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano ran two contradictory articles about President Obama in it's May 18 issue. The first (Obama in Search for Common Ground) is about Obama's recent speech at Notre Dame, and highlights his trying to downplay the stem cell/abortion issue during his administration and focus on people unifying in spite of their differences. Then WHAM-O! A few pages later is an article (Campaign in the US Against Stem Cells) supporting U.S. bishops fighting Obama's recent stem cell policy, and harshly criticizing the President for his positions. It's the kind of ballsy journalism you just can't find anymore.
And we call foul! Make up your mind, L'Osservatore Romano, if that's even your real name. There's no need to be backhanded about it, putting the nice article out in front for the limited-Latin readers and saving the meaty bits in the middle for the true fans. Why not just make the negative piece longer, in a larger font, and/or littered with pics? Show your true colors, you lying scum. Crawl out from under your rock and let the sunshine of honesty temporarily blind you.
Of course, it is hilarious. Adding confusion to an already dense issue. Keeping people in the dark about how the Vatican really feels. Classic L'O-Ro. Classic.
(source= Catholic News Agency)

They Have Their Reasons

Here's a new mini strip for your viewing pleasure:

The Beast in the Middle East: Day 7 (The Beast is Deceased)

Today Pope Benedict XVI wraps up his eight-day unvacation in the Middle East. How did he do? What were his successes and failures? What difference did he make, and where do we go from here? These are impossibly large quesitons, of course, but that won't keep the media, local residents, and others with opinions from trying to answer them. So we thought we'd take a swing at it ourselves: YES.
With that out of the way, our attentions return to Rome and the tiny Catholic nation it houses. Certainly Pope Benedict must be looking forward to bringing the controversy and political chaos of the papacy back home where it belongs, and we're all excited to see him do so.
(source= Radio Netherlands)

The Beast in the Middle East: Day 6 ([Parenthetical joke])

At the center of the Israel-Palestine conflict is an issue as old and delicate as a Grandmother's bones: construction. For example, Pope Benedict's visit to the Aida Palestinian refugee camp yesterday should've included a large stage from which he could speak, but the Israeli government prevented it due to a lack of permits. Also, the stage was labeled a security risk because the Aida camp is right next to the 25-foot concrete wall which Israel built on the West Bank. Benedict wasn't a fan of the enormous structure, and expressed his dislike openly, saying, "Even if walls can be easily built, we know they don't last forever. They can be demolished." He then added something about the walls around our hearts, but that's a bunch of new-age malarky which won't offend anyone, so we won't bother quoting it here.
(source= Click On Detroit)

The Beast in the Middle East: Day 5 (Confession: We don't know who The Beast is. It just rhymes.)

Passing notes can be a fun way of finding a prom date, spreading rumors, or cheating on an exam. But who would've imagined it could also be used to end generations of war in the Middle East? Well, when the note-passer is Pope Benedict XVI and the note-receiver is God, it just might do the trick. Yesterday, Benedict visited the Western Wall in Jerusalem, an important Jewish religious site, and placed a letter of prayer inside one of the wall's cracks, as per tradition. In it, he called on the Holy Father to ease the suffering of Middle Eastern people specifically, as well as sad humans everywhere. However, he baffled many by asking God at the end of the note, "Do you like like me? Circle one: Yes, No, Maybe."
(source= The Jerusalem Post)

The Beast in the Middle East: Day 4 (Yeast, Fleeced, Creased, Priest)

Don't you hate it when you're trying to host a dialogue on unity and peace and then someone interrupts with a speech about how Israel is desecrating Palestinian culture? Well, so does Pope Benedict XVI, whose meeting with various clergymen in Jerusalem was cut short by a militant anti-Israel diatribe from Sheikh Taysir al-Tamimi. While it did prematurely end the meeting, it did not prevent the traditional exchange of gifts from taking place afterwards. Kind of like how Dad's drunken rants can spoil dinner on Christmas Eve, but cannot ruin the joy of a fresh G.I. Joe the next morning.
(source= Ynet News)

The Beast in the Middle East: Day 3 ("The Beast" also does not refer to Patrick Swayze's A&E show)

Some months ago, Israel announced its multi-language website http://popeinisrael.org.il/ about Pope Benedict's current visit. But the Internet wasn't satiated, so yesterday The Consulate General of Israel launched a Facebook application called "Holy Land Trivia: From Creation to Creativity" to coincide with Benedict's arrival in Israel. Along with pictures of the country and a comments section, the application features several educational multiple choice quizzes. There are two subjects (Holy Sites in Israel and Modern Israel) and three difficulty levels (Easy, Medium, and Brave!) which determine the number of the randomly-generated questions. And whoever wrote these questions weren't afraid to ask the big ones. Did the Ayyubids or the Nabateans build Perta and Ovdat? Is it Judo or Windsurfing in which Israel holds its one Olympic gold medal? Do Christians, Jews, Muslims, or all three live in modern Nazareth? They're certianly frustrating, but you can never have too many obnoxious Facebook apps.
(source= The Jerusalem Post)

The Beast in the Middle East: Day 2 (So, who IS the Beast? More on that later)

Today is the last day of Pope Benedict's time in mostly-Muslim Jordan, and tomorrow he arrives in mostly-Jewish Israel. And while he was fairly unpopular in Jordan, Israel may be home of the largest security risk and lowest approval rating Benedict will face during his entire papacy. Benedict has made a few small missteps when it comes to Jewish-Catholic relations, from his past with the Hitler Youth, to earlier this year when he revoked the excommunication of a bishop who denies the Holocaust. So now Israel is fearful of an attempt on the pope's life.The solution? Four German armored cars will be replacing the pope mobile for most of the Israel visit, and there's been discussion of arresting some more serious Israeli zealots ahead of time, as a preemptive strike. Rolling through town in armored German vehicles and arresting known Jews even if they've done nothing wrong... sounds familiar somehow, but it'll probably be fine.
(source=The Times Online)

The Beast in the Middle East: Day 1 (No disrespect, Pope Benedict is not "The Beast")

It's not a conflict many people know about, but in this modern world many of the major religions don't get along as well as they used to, and the Catholic church is no exception. Also three years ago Benedict quoted a Medieval text which called some of Muhammad's teachings "evil and inhumane," so a healthy portion of the Muslim world is miffed at the pontiff. Easing this tension is one of the pope's primary goals on his Middle East tour, and at Jordan's Hussein bin Talal Mosque today he expressed his deep regret for his previous statements. However, this apology failed to satisfy many in the Muslim community, so all hope is lost. Tomorrow we'll see where Benedict stands in with Jews.
(source=The Wall Street Journal)

Holy Land Ho!

Hello and welcome,

Pope Benedict XVI arrived in Jordan today for the beginning of his week-long tour of the Middle East. And while he's not using the pope mobile for much of the trip (it's not safe enough), he will have an 80,000-man security force ("Operation White Cloak"). Not to mention his most powerful weapon: a message of peace. For the next week, we'll be bringing you daily Vaticanews briefs on all the zany antics the pope gets himself into as he moves through Jordan, Israel, and other war-torn nations in which Catholics are a minority.

Stay tuned

-You and What Productions

Splog! News! Huzzah!

Word up, guns down.

Space Pope returns to her blog today with a post that's educational, informational and, if you pay attention, just might teach you something.

Also, history in the making with a new Vaticanews, below.

Vaticanews 05/06/09

BULLETINS:
He Thinks the Pope is a "Bigger Annoyance"
Australia has produced plenty of obnoxious people: Mel Gibson, Rupert Murdoch, and anyone with the word "crocodile" in their moniker. But last July, Ian Bryce added himself to the list in a more down-to-earth way—he built a fake pope mobile and drove it up and down the streets of Sydney in protest of the Pope's visit, getting himself arrested for "distracting motorists." This wimpy charge was ultimately dropped last week, and Bryce now claims his action counts as a win for free speech. A spokesperson for free speech, however, said that they had plenty of notches in their belt bigger and deeper than Bryce's traffic stunt.
(source=ABC NEWS)

Cardinal John Henry Newman, Dead for More than a Century, Cures MA Man's Back
A panel of theologians who investigate the legitimacy of miracles recently voted that John Sullivan of Quincy, MA did, in fact, have his crippling spine pain cured through prayer. Cardinal John Henry Newman, to whom Sullivan prayed in 2001, is being given credit for the miracle, which puts him one step closer to sainthood. So everybody wins, except the doctors, who have yet to figure out a medical explanation for Sullivan's cure and may be forced to reassess some of their fundamental spinal assumptions.
(source=The Patriot Ledger)

HEADLINES:
Canada Copies America, Pope Apologizes
When somebody says "Native Canadian" what do you think? Red suit, broad hat, horse? Plaid shirt, axe, ham? Moose, grizzly bears, fish? Eh?
Well, it turns out that "Native Canadian" means exactly the same thing as "Native American," complete with the stripping of culture and special religious schools which abused their students both emotionally and sexually. And just like in the States, Native Canadians demand and deserve apologies. Now, because some three-quarters of these special schools were, way back when, run by Catholic missionary congregations, the church has already paid around $79 million in compensation. But money can't buy me (or anyone else) love, and so last Wednesday, as the first official example of "institutional regret" over the issue, Pope Benedict offered an apology to a group of former Native Canadian students. Benedict expressed his personal anguish, and the Vatican released a statement calling for "renewed hope" for the victims of these atrocities. The Pope also blessed the various pipes, blankets, moccasins, etc. which were presented to him as gifts. Some of these stayed in the Vatican, and some returned, freshly blessed, to Canada, where they will either help the healing process or, at the very least, earn their owners bragging rights.
National chief of the Assembly of First Nations Phil Fontaine said the group left, "happy and comforted." Not to mention that they certainly must appreciate the media letting the world know that there is such a thing as a Native Canadian, and making us sympathetic to their cause. It's easy. Just take the white guilt you already feel about Native Americans and spread it to the north.
(source=Yahoo!News)

Those be the updates for today, but Benedict begins his week-long trip to the Holy Land on Friday, so swing by soon for some hard-hitting Vaticanews coverage of that. And our main strip should be updating again within the week, so eyes peeled and fingers crossed, everyone!

Love to all,
-Y&W P