Bum-Ba-Bummmm! It's Vaticanews!

Greetings,

As promised, here's a weekend edition of Vaticanews:

Vaticanews 06/27/09

BULLETINS:
Vatican Denies that Benedict Made a Reasonable Decision
Last week, the Vatican inexplicably issued a statement condemning a claim made by Rev. Peter Gumpel which was neither negative nor untrue. Gumpel believes that Pope Benedict is delaying the beatification of Pope Pius XII to preserve relationships with the world's Jewish population. Pius was pontiff during the Holocaust, you see, and if becoming a saint wasn't difficult enough, being accused of not doing enough to stop Hitler is bound to further complicate things. So it seems reasonable that Benedict would take his time with this one. In fact, at a conference last October, Benedict said he would give "serious consideration" to freezing the sainthood process until Pius' archives could be opened and fully examined (which will take years). But just because the Pope says it doesn't mean the Vatican has to agree.
(source= The Washington Post)

Thunderstorms: No Match For Jesus or Modern Air Travel
Last Sunday, Pope Benedict XVI was all set to take a helicopter (holycopter?) to the burial site of St. Padre Pio, when a sudden thunderstorm made the trip impossible. But the Pope wasn't about to be bested by some random act of God, so he took a plane instead. Once he arrived, Benedict gave a speech which included the Gospel story of Jesus calming a storm to make a journey of his own. Presumably Jesus would've just gotten on a plane, too, if he hadn't already been out at sea when the bad weather began. The real point of Benedict's trip was to honor St. Padre Pio, but we didn't have anything to say about that, so we're focussing on the storm.
(source= Catholic News Service)

HEADLINES:
Vatican Daily Paper Pulls a Serious WTF
Michael Jackson's death on Thursday has been claiming countless headlines, as is to be expected. But who could've imagine that L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican's official daily newspaper, would have something to say about it? Not only that, but what they had to say is actually quite bizarre.
Let's start with this quote: "But will he really be dead? It wouldn't be surprising if, in a few years, he was spotted in a gas station in Memphis, perhaps with his former father-in-law, Elvis Presley." Yes, L'Osservatore Romano, it most certainly would be surprising, it just wouldn't be more surprising than that sentence. And it doesn't stop there. The article also discussed when Jackson "was still black", as well as his racial "crossover" saying, "maybe [he] didn't simply want to become white, but to transcend boundaries, even artistic ones, imposed by ethnic identities." Nevermind that Jackson always attributed his change in complexion to a skin condition, L'Osservatore Romano calls 'em like they sees 'em.
But the biggest question here is: why did this article get written at all? There's no article on Ed McMahon or Farrah Fawcett. What particular interest does the Catholic world have with Michael Jackson's death? Perhaps it's solidarity amongst alleged pedophiles. Alleged. Pedophiles.
(sources= Inquirer.net & Reuters)

The Splog-Vaticanews Connection

Ever vigilant, Space Pope has updated her blog again. And as per tradition, here's a Vaticanews to accompany it:

Vaticanews 05/28/09

BULLETINS:
The Feud Thickens
Inexplicably, L'Osservatore Romano took time off from its religious reportage today to include an article praising Barcelona's soccer team. Entitled Football, Finally the piece referred to the team's performance against Manchester United as a "lesson in style." A prime example of fair, evenhanded journalistic favoritism. Like a soccer player who uses his hands, L'Osservatore Romano broke a basic newspaper rule with their bias. And like so many aggravated soccer referees, we at Vaticanews must once again call foul on the Vatican's semi-official paper. It is quickly becoming the Regis Philbin to our Dave Letterman, the Milli Vanilli to our Arsenio Hall.
(source= USA Today)

The Economy Loves all its Children Equally
If we are to believe the hype, most priests are already dangerously old. But the hype also tells us that the world's economy is less than ideal right now, and this affects even the Vatican, which reported a $14-million deficit in 2007. So, to keep from paying benefits just a smidge longer, the church is raising the retirement age by two years for officials below the rank of bishop. Maybe what they should do is add some danger to the job: fresh crusades, deep=space mission trips, taller bell towers. Then fewer priests would survive until retirement. Works for the C.I.A.
(source=beliefnet)

HEADLINES:
The Counting of Monte Cassinos (There have been five)
Some places are just cursed: first it's a nail salon, then it's a dry cleaner, then a Thai restaurant, then a fortuneteller/whorehouse. No business lasts more than a few weeks, but the ominous building remains, silently waiting to devour its next victim. The Abbey of Monte Cassino has the opposite problem. It's been a Catholic monastery for nearly 1500 years, but the structure itself has been completely demolished four times.
Pope Benedict XVI visited the abbey on Sunday for the 65th anniversary of its most recent rebuilding, after the U.S. military bombed it in 1944 based on some faulty intelligence. It is significant place for Benedict, because it was founded by his namesake, Saint Benedict of Nursia, famous for writing the Rule of Saint Benedict and forming the Benedictine Order. Clearly, a man who didn't mind things being named after him.
And in keeping with this things-named-after-men tradition, the Mayor of Cassino announced that, in honor the visit, the town's Miranda Square would be renamed Pope Benedict XVI Square. Kind of like when Aunt Miranda had those surgeries with Dr. Cassino and became Uncle Ben.
(source=Communio)

The Dyanmic Duo: Space Pope & Vaticanews

Hail!

So we're fully operational again, and it feels great. And to help us pack the biggest punch we can as we return, Space Pope updated her blog again, and there's a fresh dose of Vaticanews below.

Also, a quick thanks to Warren Ellis, who picked us as a favorite of his from Webcomics Week on his site. We're totally honored.

Sleet,
You & What Producitons

Vaticanews 05/20/09

BULLETINS:
Bruni says "Peace, Bitches!" to the Catholic Church
French First Lady Carla Bruni "casued uproar" when she said she had decided to bail on Catholicism because of Pope Benedict's position on condom distribution in Africa."It is not the job of a First Lady, especially one who was baptized Catholic, to attack the Pope," said a Notre Dame official. It is, apparently, the job of the Belgian Parliament, which voted 95-18 to publicly and officially denounce Pope Benedict's comments last month (when they were news). The reaction then: shock, but respect. Evidently only entire nations are on the Pope's political tier. But hey, bravo to Carla Bruni for lone-gunning it. Can former supermodels become real-life superheroes? They can't be blamed for trying.
(source= Fox News)

Ok, NOW I'm Getting an iPhone!
Everyone's excited for World Communications Day this Sunday, but it just gets better and better. Turns out the Vatican is launching a Facebook and an iPhone application in conjunction with the holiday as a part of their new website www.pope2you.net. "The Pope Meets You on Facebook" will allow users to send and receive virtual postcards of the Pope at last. And for the iPhone, radio and video reports on the Pope available in eight different languages. That's how many languages a language spider has. All of this will connect to the YouTube channel the Vatican already has, which is all very neat and either raises feelings of I can't wait to see what's next or When will it stop? depending on who you are.
(source= The Catholic Spirit)

HEADLINES:
Vaticanews Simultaneously Praises and Criticizes Vatican Newspaper for Doing the Same to Obama (Below)
In a stroke of dazzling genius, Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano ran two contradictory articles about President Obama in it's May 18 issue. The first (Obama in Search for Common Ground) is about Obama's recent speech at Notre Dame, and highlights his trying to downplay the stem cell/abortion issue during his administration and focus on people unifying in spite of their differences. Then WHAM-O! A few pages later is an article (Campaign in the US Against Stem Cells) supporting U.S. bishops fighting Obama's recent stem cell policy, and harshly criticizing the President for his positions. It's the kind of ballsy journalism you just can't find anymore.
And we call foul! Make up your mind, L'Osservatore Romano, if that's even your real name. There's no need to be backhanded about it, putting the nice article out in front for the limited-Latin readers and saving the meaty bits in the middle for the true fans. Why not just make the negative piece longer, in a larger font, and/or littered with pics? Show your true colors, you lying scum. Crawl out from under your rock and let the sunshine of honesty temporarily blind you.
Of course, it is hilarious. Adding confusion to an already dense issue. Keeping people in the dark about how the Vatican really feels. Classic L'O-Ro. Classic.
(source= Catholic News Agency)